Cycle Day 2 Feb 10, 2020. Today is Cycle Day 2 of my third treatment cycle. I was feeling very down yesterday. I wanted to write but I did not make it a priority. I really would like to be done with all of this.

On Cycle Day 13 of last month I went to get my follicle ultrasound done. I had a feeling it was not going to go the way I wanted. This has been such a long exhausting process. So last month at this ultrasound the timing was perfect. The follicle was a gorgeous size 18. On the left side. Again. I have no fallopian tube on the left side. So for two months in a row, my left side has lead. I am hoping this month it will be on the right. Once again, my doctor has decided to be even more aggressive. Which I do not really understand because if it is already working and its just on the wrong side, how is more aggressive treatment going to make it on the right side? Anyway, we are thinking this will be the cycle, my doctor is pretty confident and I have been having strong sharp menstrual cramps on the right side. So tomorrow I will start Clomid, instead of taking two pills I will be taking three. The amount of Follistim injections will be the same at 50 units. My doctor has also ordered the trigger shot. I am so counting down the days till my ultrasound on day 13. I wanted to try two more months and then take a break. But I am at a point of depression and next month I just want to drink and stop trying. I am so emotionally and mentally exhausted. I have not complained because I feel like I am just annoying my husband and friends. (It’s like when someone loses a loved one and everyone tells them they will be okay, but the pain in really incomprehensible). The more I think about it the more I cry. So, since I am rarely alone to cry in private, I just choose not to think about it and act like it is not a big deal and I am dealing with it very well. In truth, it is the absolute worst on my cycle. It is so unfair. I have so little control of my emotions at this time. And since it is a constant struggle with Hoshimoto’s disease, trying to get my thyroid balanced has been a nightmare. Anyways, I am feeling pretty down. When I started this journey in July, I thought I would at least be pregnant by the 7 months mark. The only thing keeping me going is thinking about how I will feel when I first see, hold and smell our baby for the first time.

January 22, 2020. Cycle Day 12. Today I am exhausted. Im not even sure it is Cycle Day 12. I think so. I missed a few days. Our puppy Duke got sick. Grant and I have not slept in three nights. Poor thing, we finally had to take him to the emergency vet clinic in Watford.

Anyway, I think I did okay on Follistim. The first day I injected the shot in my tummy was a little unreal. I was hyping myself up about it. Telling myself people do it all the time. By the time I watched the video (which makes it look super easy), and by the time I read the instructions, twice, I was finally ready to inject my first dose. I got the pen ready and cleaned the are I was doing the injection, and then, I just stood there with a needle in my hand ready to stab myself. I must have stood there for a good two minutes. I finally told myself if I don’t do this now, I know I will never do it. So, I pushed the needle in. And I felt nothing. The needle is so small and so sharp it simply glided in with ease. I pressed the button and the medication went through the needle and right into my tummy. I pulled the needle out, cleaned the area and placed a small bandage on it. All of a sudden there was a small burning at the area of the injection. It was a little sensitive afterward but I has no major side effects.

The second and third day were a little different. When I did the injection I could feel the needle. I think I may have had enough adrenaline the first time I felt nothing. So the fourth day I just stood there again. Waiting to feel the pinch of the needle and the burning of the medication entering my tummy. I managed. However, if I never had to do this again it will be too soon.

Today is the final day, day five, of the Follistim. I am very happy but very exhausted. Tomorrow I drive to Billings to have an ultra sound done. I am too tired to even be excited right now. Like many times in the past, I have yet to get super amazing news on the first try. So my hopes for tomorrow are a little exhausted, we will see what happens.

January 18, 2020

Today is Cycle Day 8. Time is flying by. Although I was quite unmotivated yesterday, I managed to get through the day with a positive attitude. Work was the worst. I am finally done with my 5 days of Clomid. I am happy that is over with. I can never tell if I am really annoyed of if it is just the medication. Some people are really dumb. I made coleslaw at work, for the BBQ Chicken Sandwiches we served, and some idiot ate the coleslaw with a fork from the huge bowl! I asked him what he was doing and he said that coleslaw doesn’t get eaten with buns. I told him it was for the sandwiches and he responded there was no meat. It was sitting right in front on him. He just smiled and continued to eat the entire coleslaw! My people tolerance is way down. I almost want to gladly be rude. I really hope I do not have to take Clomid again next month.

So today is the first day I start the Follistim. I really wanted to do a video of the first time, but I have to work tonight. I am off tomorrow so I will do a reflection of my first appointment then, as well as a video of my second injection of Follistim. I am going to get a quick workout in and get ready to head off to work. Day 7 and 8 were highly annoying.

January 16, 2020

Today is Cycle Day 6 and I am on my fourth night of Clomid. Sure enough, just like last month the mood swings are awful for me. It is like I will be excited and motivated on moment and then the next thing I know, I am exhausted and not feeling up to anything. These days go so slow for me, I often feel like nothing is happening in my life. I did not post or record last night. Instead, Grant and I went out to dinner with some friends. We both needed an evening of socializing. I thought it would make me feel better. It did a little bit. But I was just so tired, all I could think about it how I was wasting our friends time, because I just did not want to be there. I am so ready for the last day of Clomid tomorrow night. I really hope the Follistim does not have a similar affect.

A part of me is so excited to start the Follistim and be pregnant already. And than another part of me is so tired and just wants to give up on trying to get pregnant and just travel. I can not even tell if I am really this tired and annoyed or if it is the drugs. I will probably be even more sad if I end up having to do yet another cycle of fertility treatments next month, if this cycle does not work. I think I am starting to lose hope, the idea of pregnancy currently is exhausting. And I am not even pregnant yet. I have been eating healthy, taking my medications and vitamins, and I have been exercising.

Between work (coming up with 2020 promotions, meetings, menus and orders), training our new puppy Duke, trying to keep the house clean and dinner cooking, fertility treatment cycle is draining me. It is so hard today to keep a positive attitude. Work is annoying, cooking is annoying and cleaning is annoying. I honestly have no idea how I am managing so well. Let’s hope this is the drugs talking. But most of all, I cannot stand this -20 degree weather. The cold weather never made me sad, and now I am starting to understand those people that get depressed in winter weather. All I really want to do is go for a walk or jog in the park to clear my head. Some fresh air and exercise is all I really want. Tomorrow, I will have a positive attitude and smile through it all.

January 14, 2020. Today is Cycle Day 4. Today is the 2nd day of Clomid. So far I feel fine, no crazy mood swings yet. I am however pretty tired.

I have had insomnia for quite some time. As it turns out, it is a side effect of hypothyroidism. Which I have, which is a side effect of Hashimoto’s disease. Since I was prescribed Levothyroxine in July, I have been sleeping a lot better. But, I have been either under medicated or over medicated. Finding the correct dose for me has been a challenge. My dose was recently dropped from 125mch to 88mcg. And now I am back to insomnia. I am hoping I either adjust, or my dose is changed again. Until then, I will just take Nyquil. Today was a good day. I am ready to start the second half of this hybrid treatment. On day 8, I start Follistim. All I can do is take it day by day and hope for good news at this months ultrasound.

January 13, 2020.

Today is Cycle Day 3. It is Monday so my reproductive specialist’s office is open. I got a phone call from one of her nurses this morning. My Clomid has been ordered and picked up. Because I will be doing a little more aggressive treatment this month, she, we will call her Doctor M, has me doing what is called a Hybrid Treatment. I will take two pills of Clomid, once a day for five days, starting tonight. On Cycle Day 8, I will begin taking injections of Follistim. Then, rather than doing the ultra sound on day 10 or 11, we will be doing it on day 13.

When I took Clomid last month, the main side effects I suffered were dizziness and mood swings. It is recommended to take at night, before you head to bed. I was very easily frustrated and annoyed, constantly. My poor husband. We will see how I respond to this round of Clomid.

January 12, 2020.

When deciding if I should keep a log about my infertility journey at the beginning was confusing. I had thought about it but wasn’t sure if it was something I was capable of doing. My emotions were all over the place. I never wanted children before I met my husband. I never thought I would get married. I never thought I would ever met anyone I would want to spend my entire life with and build with. I was single and very content. After meeting the love of my life and wanting everything we can possibly build together for the first time in my life, I wanted a beautiful family of my own.

After being with my husband for three years and not getting pregnant, I thought I was just getting lucky. Than, we decided to grow our family and nothing was happening. I wasn’t worried. I knew my menstrual cycle was a hot mess. Sometimes it would be ten days late, then I would skip a month, then I would have it two weeks after I just had a cycle. So, naturally I thought my timing was off. And yet, still nothing.

I decided to make an appointment with a reproductive specialist and see if I could get my cycle more regulated. This is when I received the news of my infertility. All of a sudden I felt a brokenness.

This is not the beginning of my journey, in fact I am about six months in. This particular journey actually started at the beginning of July of last year, July 2019. I have taken several steps to even get to where I am now. One of these steps includes not only accepting my situation but also owning it and finally being able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am finally in a position mentally, emotionally and physically to fully embrace this journey and to take it on with everything I have.

Cycle Day 1

January 11, 2017. Cycle Day 1.

Today is Cycle Day 1. (First day of a menstrual cycle) This day is particularly important because it is how my reproductive specialist is able to track my ovulation time frame. Cycle Day 1 is a very popular term to those who are trying to conceive. This is an exciting time for me. Just thinking of the possibility that by the end of this month I could be pregnant! I am not sure why I decided to do a blog about this journey, but I just know it is something I have to do. I have never done a blog before nor do I follow any other blogs. I am very nervous and a little scared to put myself out there. But, I have decided this is for me. Maybe writing out my experience will be therapeutic for me through the rest of the fertility treatment process. I don’t know if my journey will help anyone else, if so yeay, if not, it is not really the purpose of this blog.

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